Obituary · LIVONIA BUREAU · 3 months ago

After Ten Deaths, Man Finally Kills Someone — Then Dies Anyway

Filed by The Desk · A life of RonaldRaygun552 · Life 5 · Livonia

RonaldRaygun552 notched his first confirmed kill in eleven documented lives on Wednesday, then spent the next several hours proving a single data point does not make a legacy.

The Rap Sheet · Deceased

Survived: 5h 23m
Kills: 1
Longest kill: 13m
Sessions: 18
Cause: Killed

“He finally learned to pull a trigger. He never learned to duck.”
— a nearby survivor who watched it happen from a safe distance

Five hours and twenty-three minutes is, for the record, the longest RonaldRaygun552 has ever lasted anywhere on this earth — edging his own Livonia mark by six minutes, a personal best achieved with the quiet dignity of a man setting a new land-speed record in a wheelchair. Along the way he survived twenty separate maulings by the infected, the worst leaving him barely upright, and one firefight that should have taught him something. It did not. XxBE4zyxX closed the distance to twenty-six meters and ended the argument with a single rifle round, and Raygun's tally sheet — one kill against ten prior lives of nothing — closed at last with the tidy, brutal symmetry this paper has come to expect from him.

ObituariesLivoniaPvPPersonal Bests

The Final Reload

5h 23m in
Killed by XxBE4zyxX
M16-A2 · 26 m
5h 18m in
Horde — 3 blows over 1m
HP down to 88
5h 16m in
Horde — 9 blows over 1m
HP down to 85
5h 06m in
Horde — 4 blows over 2m
HP down to 100
4h 03m in
Horde — 12 blows over 1m
HP down to 87
3h 41m in
Horde — 3 blows over 1m
HP down to 85
3h 29m in
Horde — 23 blows over 9m
HP down to 79
3h 00m in
Sessions 12–18
7 logins
2h 56m in
Horde — 8 blows over 1m
HP down to 88
2h 52m in
Horde — 7 blows over 2m
HP down to 99
2h 36m in
Kill — YrJustBadLongest kill
SCR 17 · 13 m
2h 31m in
Session 11 began
Logged in.
2h 16m in
Infected — 2 blows
HP down to 100
2h 11m in
Horde — 4 blows over 1m
HP down to 100
2h 08m in
Horde — 3 blows over 1m
HP down to 100
2h 02m in
Infected — 2 blows
HP down to 100
1h 45m in
Horde — 6 blows over 1m
HP down to 100
1h 21m in
Horde — 9 blows over 1m
HP down to 100
1h 00m in
Horde — 10 blows over 3m
HP down to 99
0h 56m in
Horde — 3 blows over 1m
HP down to 100
0h 26m in
Sessions 2–10
9 logins
0h 22m in
Horde — 7 blows over 1m
HP down to 99
0h 16m in
Horde — 12 blows over 3m
HP down to 100
0h 08m in
Horde — 8 blows over 4m
HP down to 100
0h 05m in
Life qualified
Five minutes survived. The grace period ends; from here, death counts.
0h 01m in
Infected — 2 blows
HP down to 100
0h 00m
Washed ashore — life begins
Session 1. Grace period active.

More From the Morgue

The Final Reload

5h 23m in

Killed by XxBE4zyxX

M16-A2 · 26 m

5h 18m in

Horde — 3 blows over 1m

HP down to 88

5h 16m in

Horde — 9 blows over 1m

HP down to 85

5h 06m in

Horde — 4 blows over 2m

HP down to 100

4h 03m in

Horde — 12 blows over 1m

HP down to 87

3h 41m in

Horde — 3 blows over 1m

HP down to 85

3h 29m in

Horde — 23 blows over 9m

HP down to 79

3h 00m in

Sessions 12–18

7 logins

2h 56m in

Horde — 8 blows over 1m

HP down to 88

2h 52m in

Horde — 7 blows over 2m

HP down to 99

2h 36m in

Kill — YrJustBadLongest kill

SCR 17 · 13 m

2h 31m in

Session 11 began

Logged in.

2h 16m in

Infected — 2 blows

HP down to 100

2h 11m in

Horde — 4 blows over 1m

HP down to 100

2h 08m in

Horde — 3 blows over 1m

HP down to 100

2h 02m in

Infected — 2 blows

HP down to 100

1h 45m in

Horde — 6 blows over 1m

HP down to 100

1h 21m in

Horde — 9 blows over 1m

HP down to 100

1h 00m in

Horde — 10 blows over 3m

HP down to 99

0h 56m in

Horde — 3 blows over 1m

HP down to 100

0h 26m in

Sessions 2–10

9 logins

0h 22m in

Horde — 7 blows over 1m

HP down to 99

0h 16m in

Horde — 12 blows over 3m

HP down to 100

0h 08m in

Horde — 8 blows over 4m

HP down to 100

0h 05m in

Life qualified

Five minutes survived. The grace period ends; from here, death counts.

0h 01m in

Infected — 2 blows

HP down to 100

0h 00m

Washed ashore — life begins

Session 1. Grace period active.